When one thinks about sex, it usually centers on men and their behaviors, actions, beliefs, and opinions, but what about women? More specifically, what are some common things most women believe, that are destroying their sexuality? The truth is the media, culture, society, family customs, and even religious/spiritual beliefs can dictate what men and women think about sex and sexuality. And, many times, the messages sent are unclear and/or contradictory. For women, it can be especially confusing, when it comes to how to feel, what to believe, and how to behave. There is a lot of wrong information floating around nowadays, and these misconceptions and conflicting theories can destroy a woman’s sexuality.
Listed below are six common things most women believe that are destroying their sexuality:
- Engaging in casual sex means you’re “easy” or “cheap”
Believe it or not, just because a woman engages in and enjoys causal sex, doesn’t mean that she’s “easy” or “cheap,” but that’s how society makes her feel. This misconception causes most women to shun hookups and one-night stands, because of the negative stigma associated with this type of sex. Men, on the other hand, are able to participate in casual sex without labels or repercussions. Women, who enjoy causal sex, often feel guilt or embarrassment, and are left unable to sexually express themselves, as they see fit.
- You should be a lady in the streets and freak in the sheets
Another common thing that many women believe is the notion that they should be “ladies in the streets and freaks in the sheets.” In other words, this misogynistic view of how women should behave inside and outside of the bedroom, at best limits sexual development, and at worst, stunts it. More specifically, it causes women to self-monitor their sexual appetites for fear of not living up to a stereotypical perception of when and how their sexualities should be exhibited. Thus, as a result, these women feel that this incorrect perception is hurting their sexualities.
- You should wait until the man initiates sex
It is a common belief that women should wait for a man to initiate sex, or risk being labeled “fast,” “pushy,” “thirsty,” “easy,” “aggressive,” or “freaky.” Most songs, movies, television shows, and books typically have the males making the “first moves.” And, guess what? This is usually accepted as “normal.” However, the same belief isn’t always applied to women. The truth is, females are taught at an early age to allow men to take the leads in all areas of life, including in relationships. Moreover, it’s often a running joke that men always want sex and women always have some excuse as why they can’t have sex.
Contrary to popular belief, however, lots of women like to make the “first moves.” So, what stops them from being assertive? For most, it’s the fear of being labeled and looked upon in a negative light. Strong women should be able to change this narrative.
- You should have simultaneous orgasms
A common misconception about female sexuality is that couples should try to have simultaneous orgasms (both the man and woman orgasm at the same time). When women become obsessed with having orgasms concurrently with their partners, it can cause a lot of angst. And, when males suffer from sexual issues like premature or retarded ejaculation, their female partners are forced to delay orgasming or forego it altogether, which can be a recipe for disaster.
The truth is that simultaneous orgasm is very hard to reach and it is not something women and couples should strive for. Research show that there is a big difference between the amount of time women and men need to reach an orgasm. By trying to coordinate a simultaneous orgasm you prevent yourself from getting lost in the moment and letting yourself go, which hurts sex. In turn, the unfulfilled sexual expectations and frustrations could lead to relationship issues. Definitely not good! Instead you should think about expressing your sexuality in different ways, and forgo the idea that all orgasms should be simultaneous.
- Shush, you shouldn’t talk about sex!
It is not uncommon for females to grow up thinking that they shouldn’t talk about sex – at all. In fact, in some cultures, religions, and families, sex is a very taboo topic. And, because, these women are unable to freely ask questions, voice concerns, or even talk about sex, most feel that the secrecy is destroying their sexualities. Moreover, when a woman is told that she shouldn’t talk about sex from loved ones, friends, society, religious leaders, the media, or even strangers; it heightens her risk of psychological issues like: depression and anxiety. And, when sex issues are not addressed, it leads to feelings of shame and/or avoidance.
- You should want a relationship if you have sex with a guy
This may blow some minds, but there is a perception that women should want a relationship, if they have sex with a man. And, if they don’t want that relationship, they are somehow damaged or homosexual or plain crazy. The truth is, these women are probably none of those things. Maybe, they just don’t want a committed relationship – and that’s it.
Maybe, they are too busy to devote the time and effort needed to have a happy relationship, but still want a good roll in the hay from time-to-time. But, women are taught, as young girls, to want and expect a commitment from a guy, if they give up the “goodies,” so when they don’t want that, everyone gives them the “side-eye.” As a result, most women believe they must stifle their sexual urges and desires until they meet someone they want to be in a relationship with.
In summary:
Truthfully, you shouldn’t have to stifle or suppress your sexuality. Desiring sex, wanting sex, and even needing sex for intimacy is all natural parts of being human. And guess what? It doesn’t matter if you’re a man or women! So, how can you express your sexuality? By embracing it! In other words, do what makes you sexually happy and surround yourself with people, who understand, accept, and respect you for loving yourself and your sexuality. But, what if you still need to get better acquainted with your sexuality? Well, a good way to develop your sexuality is to switch up what you’re doing. In other words, try out new positions, toys, sex acts, and/or costumes or talked to a loved one, partner, friend or professional about how you’re feeling. Determine what sexually satisfies you by getting to know your body better. Just don’t allow sex things to ruin your sexuality!
References:
Koenig, R. (2014). How often do women think about sex? Redbook. Retrieved from http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/sex/advice/a5148/thinking-about-sex/
Between Us Clinic. (2018). How long does sex usually last? Probably not as long as you’d think! Retrieved from https://www.betweenusclinic.com/premature-ejaculation/how-long-does-sex-last/
Moore, T. (2009). Sexual anxiety. Psychology Today. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/care-the-soul/200902/sexual-anxiety
Rodman, S. (2017). What women think about sex vs. the reality. Huffington Post. Retrieved from https://www.huffingtonpost.com/samantha-rodman-phd/what-women-think-about-sex-vs-reality_b_5601040.html
Dr. R.Y. Langham holds a Master of Science in marriage and family therapy and a Ph.D in family psychology. She serves as a professional consultant for the Between Us Clinic, which provides sex-therapy online programs for men and couples experiencing premature ejaculation.
